105%

I love reading the "105%" articles on CollegeHumor. It is a weekly gathering of one-liner jokes that are sometimes stupid, crude, or really funny.

My friends and I were reading through them the other day and I just HAD to compile a list of my favorites:

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch'.

I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."

What do you call an ugly girl with no arms? Sorry I meant, "Why."

Places I'd Like to Go Before I Die: The hospital.

Even though both of my parents are dead, no one really calls me an orphan. They usually call me a murderer.

When I was a kid I used to dunk on a 7' hoop in my driveway and wait for an NBA scout to drive by and draft me. Unfortunately the chance of that happening was very slim; I lived in a culdesac.

If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

My friend told me last week that he was "High on Life." I tried it too, but couldn't get the plastic game pieces lit.

My psychic is a gifted blind man. He has a fifth sense.

When Forrest said life was like a box of chocolates, was he saying that life is a cheap and unoriginal present that's only truly enjoyable for a maximum of three days?

Whenever I buy Wendy's chili, I just pour it directly into the toilet. It's like time-traveling 20 minutes into the future.

What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

If you think that taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is hard, just remember how hard it was for your 8th birthday.

My friend told me about how he tried to commit suicide by taking 20 Advils. Doesn't he know that he could've just taken 4 Aleves?

Do you think if Jesus was on the penny, it would be called a JC Penny?

Inner monologue of a taxi driver going by a Neo-Nazi rally
"Alright, a customer!...damn, false alarm...Alright, a customer!...damn, false alarm...Alright, a customer!...damn, false alarm..."

Sometimes, late at night I lay in bed, stare at the stars and wonder... where the hell did my roof go?

I got my dog from an orphanage like, twelve years ago. Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.

When you're fat, every shirt is a sweat-shirt.

How they named Delaware
Explorer: Where am I? Native: Delawzqeuxquzrenapolis Explorer: Delawhere?

I got punched in the face last week and it really hurt my feelings. Especially the feelings in my face.

Why is it that when I watch all the seasons of South Park back-to-back, it's called a "marathon," yet when I run 26 miles and stab 15 people along the way, it's called a "spree?"

If a jury finds someone guilty of prostitution, it's probably not a great idea for the judge to sentence him/her to community service.

Angry student: You mark my words, highlighter! You mark my words...

Bob Dylan hosts Jeopardy!
Dylan: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Contestant: What is my kite?

I thought it was ironic when my grandma started choking on a Life Saver, until it cured her cancer.

I really hate swimming. Except when I'm drowning. Then I suddenly think its awesome.

Do you think hookers go as moderately clothed college girls for Halloween?

My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.

An RA came into my room yesterday and confiscated all of my weed, and I thought "That's funny, I don't live in the dorms"

I was in the hospital and I heard from one of the rooms, "Don't worry everyone, I'm gonna beat this thing." Which I thought was a really positive thing to say, until I realized it came from the maternity ward.

Could whoever is giving homeless people markers please stop? Their signs are really bumming me out.

Worm 1: Feel that? Its raining.
Worm 2: Wanna go out and die on the sidewalk?
Worm 1: God yeah.

My girlfriend saw me on the toilet and got so grossed out. I was like, "Everybody does it." And she was all like, "Let me finish peeing first."

I tried using one of those "self check-out" lines at the grocery store once, but everyone just laughed at me. Next time I'll just stick with the doctor's office.

I think the best word to describe me would be "unable to follow self imposed word count guidelines."

Prediction

I LOVE the song "Hooked On You" by Jennifer Lopez. It isn't released yet. For some unknown reason, my dance teacher here in Spain has it on CD. It is a GREAT new song.


I guarantee it will be a huge hit when it comes out and it will be EVERYWHERE.


Listen to it now to be super cool and already know about it when it comes out...

check it out on youtube...

All My Single Ladies!

Recently one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend.

As a result, she felt the need to listen to "SINGLE LADIES" by Beyonce...many, many times a day.

If I wanted to express the happiness about being single, I wouldn't want to listen to the techno-pop treble epileptic seizure that is that song.

Therefore, I made my own "Breakup/being single" playlist. I honestly don't know about the whole breakup thing since I've never had a serious boyfriend, but still I think these songs show it well enough.

PS, most of this is pop music...just b/c it's easier to search through my 10000 iTunes songs for extremely obviously named breakup songs, usually falling in the pop music category. Also, the girl I made the list for doesn't really like non-pop music, so Buddy Guy was out of the question...

Kate Nash "Shit Song"
Because the chorus is... "Darling don't give me shit cuz I know that you're full of it."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3kxQgC7uXw


All American Rejects "Gives You Hell"
Because the chorus is..."When you see my face, hope it gives you hell."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l06M-dsQf3Q


Aly & AJ "Potential Breakup Song"
Allmusic.com gave this a surprisingly high rating for a couple of Disney-spawned music makers. This works because of "Who would forget that? The type of guy who doesn't see what he has until she leaves."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqpA5Acc8-c


No Doubt "Ex-Girlfriend"
Lyrics snippet: "I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ff_GbnpDzwQ


Rilo Kiley "Breakin Up"
"betrayal is a thorny crown, you wear it well"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7MFL9eNqVM (Live)


Miley Cyrus "GNO, Girl's Night Out"
"It's a girl's night, I'm alright without you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUhJ6JGMwbo


Rilo Kiley "Portions for Foxes"
"My friends tell me to leave you; That you're bad news, bad news, bad news"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH_bvXf1-yM (Live)


Skye Sweetnam "Number One"
I just love her style. Here she is shouting her single ladies new anthem, "Now I'm living on the run, lookin' out for Number One."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qItk22hBtEU


Natasha Bedingfield "Single"
"[I] Don't depend on a guy to validate me...I'm single (Right now) That's how I wanna be"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxTgK29qRCo


The Guess Who "No Time"
"No time for the love you send; Seasons change and so did I"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqeSUAlI5uI




Enjoy.