105%

I love reading the "105%" articles on CollegeHumor. It is a weekly gathering of one-liner jokes that are sometimes stupid, crude, or really funny.

My friends and I were reading through them the other day and I just HAD to compile a list of my favorites:

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch'.

I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."

What do you call an ugly girl with no arms? Sorry I meant, "Why."

Places I'd Like to Go Before I Die: The hospital.

Even though both of my parents are dead, no one really calls me an orphan. They usually call me a murderer.

When I was a kid I used to dunk on a 7' hoop in my driveway and wait for an NBA scout to drive by and draft me. Unfortunately the chance of that happening was very slim; I lived in a culdesac.

If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

My friend told me last week that he was "High on Life." I tried it too, but couldn't get the plastic game pieces lit.

My psychic is a gifted blind man. He has a fifth sense.

When Forrest said life was like a box of chocolates, was he saying that life is a cheap and unoriginal present that's only truly enjoyable for a maximum of three days?

Whenever I buy Wendy's chili, I just pour it directly into the toilet. It's like time-traveling 20 minutes into the future.

What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

If you think that taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is hard, just remember how hard it was for your 8th birthday.

My friend told me about how he tried to commit suicide by taking 20 Advils. Doesn't he know that he could've just taken 4 Aleves?

Do you think if Jesus was on the penny, it would be called a JC Penny?

Inner monologue of a taxi driver going by a Neo-Nazi rally
"Alright, a customer!...damn, false alarm...Alright, a customer!...damn, false alarm...Alright, a customer!...damn, false alarm..."

Sometimes, late at night I lay in bed, stare at the stars and wonder... where the hell did my roof go?

I got my dog from an orphanage like, twelve years ago. Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.

When you're fat, every shirt is a sweat-shirt.

How they named Delaware
Explorer: Where am I? Native: Delawzqeuxquzrenapolis Explorer: Delawhere?

I got punched in the face last week and it really hurt my feelings. Especially the feelings in my face.

Why is it that when I watch all the seasons of South Park back-to-back, it's called a "marathon," yet when I run 26 miles and stab 15 people along the way, it's called a "spree?"

If a jury finds someone guilty of prostitution, it's probably not a great idea for the judge to sentence him/her to community service.

Angry student: You mark my words, highlighter! You mark my words...

Bob Dylan hosts Jeopardy!
Dylan: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Contestant: What is my kite?

I thought it was ironic when my grandma started choking on a Life Saver, until it cured her cancer.

I really hate swimming. Except when I'm drowning. Then I suddenly think its awesome.

Do you think hookers go as moderately clothed college girls for Halloween?

My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.

An RA came into my room yesterday and confiscated all of my weed, and I thought "That's funny, I don't live in the dorms"

I was in the hospital and I heard from one of the rooms, "Don't worry everyone, I'm gonna beat this thing." Which I thought was a really positive thing to say, until I realized it came from the maternity ward.

Could whoever is giving homeless people markers please stop? Their signs are really bumming me out.

Worm 1: Feel that? Its raining.
Worm 2: Wanna go out and die on the sidewalk?
Worm 1: God yeah.

My girlfriend saw me on the toilet and got so grossed out. I was like, "Everybody does it." And she was all like, "Let me finish peeing first."

I tried using one of those "self check-out" lines at the grocery store once, but everyone just laughed at me. Next time I'll just stick with the doctor's office.

I think the best word to describe me would be "unable to follow self imposed word count guidelines."